The Worst Christmas Presents Ever

Table of contents:

• THE WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
• #1 THE “YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL” CHRISTMAS PRESENT
• #2 THE IMPOSSIBLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT
• #3 THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, NOT-SO-SUBTLE HINT GIFT
• #4 THE POUND SHOP SPECIAL
• #5 TYPICALLY THOUGHTLESS
• #6 CLASSICALLY POINTLESS
• #7 THE TIME-HONOURED RE-GIFT
• #8 BUT IT’S FROM THE HEART
• #9 JUST WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED
• #10 IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
• CHRISTMAS MIRACLES

THE WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

We've all been there, rushing to get some last-minute shopping, stressed out by throngs of fellow shoppers, brain frazzled from too much Slade, Wizzard and Jona Lewie. Into the gift shop to regroup, gather your brain cells together and scoop up random novelty junk gifts. You look at the box, you know it's not funny, and it's not exactly cheap either, but more than worth the price to cross another random name off the list. After all, better to show up with something naff than nothing at all, right? Or so we tell ourselves.

Fact is we've all, at some point in our lives, bought a Christmas present for somebody knowing it was terrible. But you just hope the recipient enters into the spirit of the season, and that the gift is accepted politely then forgotten, promptly and completely, in a matter of days. There was effort involved, however, and money changed hands, therefore, however half-arsed it may be, your tacky purchase still qualifies as a gift. So for your stingy lottery winner relative what you really need is an anti-gift, something so bad that the recipient will be left feeling cheated. (Just like you did when they won the lottery and gave you squat!). Here is a list of ten of the worst Christmas presents for you to consider.

#1 THE “YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL” CHRISTMAS PRESENT

This one's dedicated to every guy who's ever gotten a generic World's Best Golfer mug despite having never played a round of golf in his entire life. It's for every moody teenager who's ever gotten a colouring book for ages 5 and over, and for every wife whose husband bought her a gift based on the fact that the guy in the first shop he walked into said he should. Bonus points if you can actively irritate the recipient – e.g. buying Manchester United socks for a Man City supporter and then pretending like it was an innocent mistake.

#2 THE IMPOSSIBLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Obviously, when selecting your present you should never miss an opportunity to be as creatively cheeky as possible. Does the recipient have a fear of heights? Excellent, those 20% off coupons for bungee jumping are perfect. Completely bald? Get him some volumising shampoo. Lactose intolerant? One cheese platter coming up! Give free rein to your imagination and you are sure to find the perfectly impossible gift for that irritating person you've been trying to wind up all year. 

#3 THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, NOT-SO-SUBTLE HINT GIFT

They say it's the thought that counts, but malice aforethought doesn't. The passive-aggressive Christmas present is a very special type of anti-gift you can sneak under the radar, the type you might associate with crotchety in-laws or jealous siblings. Such presents may include the diet cookery books your sister buys you to derail your self-esteem, the apron your mother-in-law bought you because she thinks you don't cook enough for her son or, for that matter, the shaving kit my aunt buys for me every single year. Just a little token to say, "I disapprove of you and I won't ever let up on this topic, even during Christmas." So for your skinflint lottery winning relative, I'd recommend a tacky pound shop piggy bank, "y'know, to help you save your pennies." Maybe then they'll get the hint.

#4 THE POUND SHOP SPECIAL

Speaking of pound shops, nothing says "I couldn't care less" like a super-cheap present with no context. Want to get your loaded relative a bottle of Toilet Duck for Christmas? What reason do you need, other than it's on a two-for-one offer at the local pound shop. An old friend's dad once switched to a new brand of aftershave because they were giving away free swimming goggles. That year everyone got swimming goggles for Christmas – this is the stuff that holiday legends are made of. A pound shop is an absolute treasure trove of some of the worst Christmas presents that you are liable to find anywhere, so make sure to take full advantage.

#5 TYPICALLY THOUGHTLESS

Getting socks that first time is a right of passage for any boy. I'll never forget the first time I tore back the wrapping paper expecting toys only to find a pair of argyle abominations staring back into the pit of my soul. It's the precise moment my childhood died. I knew, there and then, that I had finally become a man, and that growing up wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Every sock I've gotten since has been a cold reminder of the responsibilities of adulthood, and every year I seem to get more and more, to remind me that I'm getting older. Selecting a pair of true soul-destroying socks takes time though, so be sure to search far and wide for the most garish and disgusting designs possible. Bonus points if you get extra long, old man socks because no male wants to be made feel past his prime.

#6 CLASSICALLY POINTLESS

At least socks have a purpose though. The worst Christmas presents are often items that appear to have cost time and effort to procure, but which have no actual purpose whatsoever other than to take up space and resources. I'm talking pet rocks, ceramic ornaments, garden gnomes… anything with elves on it or children with chubby red cheeks and dead-eyed, soul-piercing expressions. Ugly ornaments are great because people always feel the need to feign gratitude and put the item on display someplace. Because if there's one thing you need it's more useless crap cluttering up the place! Make a habit of it and each year strive to outdo yourself with presents that are bigger, uglier and creepier than ever before. Remember that time Mister Burns gave the Simpsons that giant stone head as a thank you present? Use that as your starting point. The idea is to guilt trip the recipient into devoting large amounts of space in their home to things they can't bring themselves to look at for more than a millisecond.

#7 THE TIME-HONOURED RE-GIFT

Time for that annual tradition of visiting that aunt you hate and returning last year's Christmas present. It just wouldn't feel like Christmas otherwise. Top of the re-gifting list has to be those butter cookies. I predict that for at least ten years after I die that tin of Danish biscuits I got back in 2008 will still be doing the rounds.

#8 BUT IT’S FROM THE HEART

Bland butter biscuits are all well and good – but are they truly wretch-worthy? Why buy something for money when you can simply slop ingredients into a bowl, mash it up into lumps, turn it to charcoal then smother it in sticky icing. Be sure to go into detail about all the effort you went to and be sure to tell the lucky recipient that it's "my own special recipe!" Of course, baking is just one avenue you can use to express your disdain. Remember when you were still in school and you could get away with giving your mother lame homemade presents? Well, it's even more fun and satisfying as an adult. Trust me there's nothing quite so disarming as having a grown adult give you a gift that's comprised entirely of glue, glitter, pipe cleaners and toilet roll inserts without a trace of irony visible on their face. "I made it just for you!"

#9 JUST WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED

Grannies can get away with a very special type of "from the heart" gift without any backlash whatsoever, they just have to knit it, and they don't even need to know the first thing about knitting. You'll be reminded that they're from a more frugal generation, and that they meant well and, of course, that they'll be offended if you don't show your gratitude by actually wearing their abominable snowman sweater. Granny jumpers come in a variety of inexplicable forms but they all have the same thing in common. They all tend to be very itchy, the wrong size, the wrong shape and, judging by the eye-piercing colours and mind-warping patterns, were knitted in the wrong dimension. Course you don't need to be a granny to knit a ghastly jumper and the worse you are at knitting the better. A proper granny jumper should be too tight in some places, too loose in others and should have one sleeve longer than the other. Knitting a jumper still takes effort, however, so why not start off by knitting woolly toilet seat covers instead – "y'know, to keep you warm in winter."

#10 IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

The new year hasn't even arrived and they're in the bargain bin already, marked down to just 99c. Horrah! Your budget can just about stretch to buy that not-so-special someone their obligatory kitten calendar. For bonus points make sure to leave the price tag on so they know exactly how precious your relationship with them truly is to you.

CHRISTMAS MIRACLES

Ok, so now that we've had our fun let's face facts; there's no excuse for feeling grinchy at Christmas and this Christmas in particular we've got plenty of lottery bets offering huge sacks of Christmas cheer. Among others, Spain's massively famous (and simply massive) El Gordo Christmas Lottery is always worth a flutter. 

Updated: 2nd December 2022